Conflict is a part of life. So is dealing with difficult people or with others who have different expectations, needs, or wants than our own. When these relationships matter or when the issue at debate is important, spending time and effort to resolve these differences makes sense since the result is often new collaborations or at least an appreciation of divergent opinion.
Sometimes, however, we spend a lot of time trying to make people happy who will never be happy. We also choose to engage in verbal battles with aggressive individuals simply because they push, prod, or challenge us to do so. The problem is that these individuals are often experienced bullies who seek out conflict because they love the fight as well as the attention.
Here's an experience of my own. It was during my first faculty meeting as a new academic; the topic for discussion was pass-fail grading in clinical courses. I didn't know much about the topic, but I quickly jumped in to share my opinions in the heated debate. I can still remember the silence in the room that followed. One of the most senior faculty members turned to me and said, "Perhaps, after you've been here for a while, and understand the issues under discussion, your opinion will matter more."
Her response left me shocked and speechless. Often, according to , when someone "shoots angry at us, we sense it and instinctively throw it back at them. When this happens, we hook into their energy." Stepping back to pause and reflect on what has occurred is often a better solution as it allows us to gain greater control of our negative emotions. The ability to manage emotions and remain calm under pressure is a part of emotional intelligence and being an effective leader, according to an in the Huffington Post.
Psychology Today that when confronted by an obnoxious person to first step back and attempt to understand the source of your annoyance. Is the behavior truly obnoxious or are you responding to it with anger because it hit upon your insecurities? For example, in the scenario presented, while the senior faculty member's incivility and bullying are never acceptable, she was right at least on some level. I was a newcomer to the organization, and I had not yet paid my dues in terms of understanding issues in academe, which are very different than the clinical arena.
The article also suggests trying to ignore obnoxious behavior if possible. In other words, don't compete with bullies unless you really need to and don't let bullies control how you feel. "Letting go of the opinions of people who don't matter frees up time and energy for the people and things that do," as stated in the Huffington Post article. Have a network of individuals around to help you sort through the pain, anger, and hurt you experience when someone is verbally abusive toward you, according to the . Talking to your friends about the various emotions you experience is a healthy way to cope with verbally abusive interactions.
At other times, however, aggressors must be directly confronted, or the behavior will continue or get worse. This is especially true if silence suggests you are a willing victim. Verbal abuse, incivility, and bullying should never be considered simply part of the job. Verbal abuse doesn't leave a visible mark, but people who experience it do suffer pain and confusion because it is a form of emotional abuse, according to theThe Psychology Today article suggests this occurs "because the victim tries to make sense of his or her abuser's treatment, not understanding that sometimes other people's mean behavior makes no sense, has no rational explanation and has nothing to do with him or her."
In the scenario presented, it would have been appropriate to confront the senior faculty member after the faculty meeting and share that while you recognize you have much to learn as a new academic, that the comment was hurtful, disrespectful and unacceptable. You should also attempt to set boundaries regarding future interactions.
Attempting to reason rationally with bullies, however, does not always work. If the abuser's behavior continues or even escalates, stay calm, walk away and don't react. Many people behave in obnoxious ways to get attention and the behavior may diminish if they don't receive reinforcement. The reality is that you can't control a bully's behavior, but you can control your response and learn to react in a way that allows you to move forward.
When should you step back or ignore unruly behavior and when should you fight back? It depends on how important the issue is. If only your ego has been damaged, it may not be worth the fight. The degree of harm a person experiences from incivility often depends upon the frequency, intensity and duration of the behavior and/or tactic used, according to Charmaine Hockley in . Moreover, what one person considers as a harmful experience another may not. Therefore, Hockley says, every person's experience with, or perceptions of, violence are unique to that person.
However, if the short- or long-term results of not addressing the conflict have significant, negative consequences for yourself or others. If this is an important relationship that will require future collaboration and teamwork, addressing the situation is imperative. Seemingly inconsequential acts of bad behavior can spread through your organization like the flu, taking a financial and emotional toll if left unchecked, .
The most important thing to remember in addressing verbal abuse is that your choice of action is not about winning or getting even. A Lifehacker article that battles should not be fought if you can't do so constructively and stay solution-focused. "If your goal is to hurt or just express your anger, you're fighting for the wrong reasons. Every single argument you have ought to aim to improve an undesirable situation."
Carol Huston, DPA, MSN, FAAN, is a nurse educator with over 35 years of teaching leadership, management and professional issues in nursing. She is also the co-author and author of five leading textbooks on leadership, management, and professional issues in nursing, including her recent text, The Road to Leadership, available , from which this article was excerpted.