51˶

Gov't to Send 1,000 Xanax Pills to Every American

— Leaders hope to quell anxiety due to recent news

MedpageToday
An illustration of a tax refund check converted to a prescription for 1000 xanax

Disclaimer: This post is from , a satirical site about healthcare.

President Trump is expected to sign new legislation that will provide every American citizen 1,000 pills of Xanax (alprazolam) per month.

It was swiftly passed by both the House of Representatives and Senate in unanimous votes.

"We get it, these past few weeks and months have been awful, we're all standing on edge, our nerves completely frayed," announced Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif.). "President Trump initially thought we needed to give every American $1,000 to stimulate the economy. Then we, both Republicans and Democrats, thought what every American really needs is 1,000 pills of Xanax to quell the anxiety."

A pandemic coronavirus has infected hundreds of thousands, permeating every aspect of human life across the world and not for the better. Lives, nations, economies have come to a complete standstill, and public health officials believe the worst is yet to come. A recent study by GomerBlog found that the average resting heart rate of Americans is 120.

Xanax is a benzodiazepine used to treat panic and anxiety disorders. Thanks to COVID-19, approximately 300 million Americans currently suffer with panic and anxiety disorders.